you are a story (unfolding).

you are a story. do not become a word. one word… ~nayyirah waheed

motherhood has surfaced a hurricane of swirling emotions: unbridled joy. consistent worry. sudden frustration. limitless adoration. and often, staggering guilt.

i realized this week that i’ve (subconsciously) had ‘bottle guilt.’ since our recent transition to nursing twice a day instead of every few hours, jayden has been having some almond milk in a bottle a few times a day.

for the past year, every time jayden took a bottle when i was around, i felt selfish; “i shouldn’t be wasting the pumped milk when i’m right here and could feed him myself” i would think. seems silly, but the guilt was legitimate. it was as if our connection and bond would deteriorate if i stopped breastfeeding him as often.

i share this to say, looking forward to my breastfeeding relationship with my next baby (due in September) i plan to give myself grace & intentionally dismiss the “bottle guilt,” letting our relationship unfold in a way that’s mutually life giving.

i’m reminded of one of my favorite John O’Donohue quotes: “i would love to live as a river flows, carried by the surprise of its own unfolding.” i’m now embracing this season as its unfolded, watching jayden feed himself & snuggling on the couch, with my breasts tucked away.

i am a story.   complex. multi faceted. chapter upon ever changing chapter. i am not stagnant. i am not contained to one title or role. i am more than my milk. more than mother. more than wife.

yes, i am committed to each of these roles wholeheartedly, but the overwhelming guilt of not pouring out enough, not meeting some undefined, imagined expectation of me has got to go.

what about you? what areas in  your life does this resonate?

maybe you are out of (or were never in) the breastfeeding phase. but maybe it’s in a relationship. or particular role you play. where you can you give yourself grace and let life unfold, carried by its surprise and eased by the release of guilt and striving.